Saturday, October 10, 2009

Bible Dictionary, part II

Mammon: Term that means wealth or profit, with the implication that the zeal of some to achieve wealth can too easily overshadow one’s relationship and duty to God. This then becomes a form of idolatry, where wealth and its unrelenting pursuit becomes an obsession to the point of the individual’s self destruction being the result. Religious leaders are quick to point out this inherent danger, and offer as a solution the person divest themselves of some of their wealth in their direction; but in so doing, they overlook that they too can easily fall prey to this as the pursuit of wealth by a prophet.

Man of Sin: Term used to describe an Antichrist, who will claim to be God, and loosely used in modern times to describe any man who heads a religious organization other than yours.

Manna: Substance collected and eaten by ancient Israel after being expelled from Egypt that was found in the wilderness. Manna tended to spoil quickly in the daytime, and was harvested early in the morning. This would imply it was a mushroom like substance that grew in the dark of night. If this hypothesis is true, then manna probably had some hallucinogenic effect which made the children of Israel see strange things, such as pillars of fire, and could also explain their reluctance to enter into the promised land, where manna was not to be found.

Martyr: A person who speaks or preaches truth, who is killed (or, at the least, vilified) by God-fearing people who are doing God a service.

Midwife: A wife between the first wife (primary wife) and the third wife, known also as the secondary wife. The common use of the term midwife should be proof enough for all to see that men are entitled to have three wives, with two of them working full time and the third to keep house.

Ministry: The elite of a church that exist to guide the lay members into properly providing for their needs. This is accomplished by constantly preaching to the laic the importance of financing the preaching of the gospel coupled with the teaching that if they do not finance the gospel, they will most assuredly find themselves tormented in hell for the rest of eternity for their selfish behavior.

Miracle: An event that defies a logical, physical explanation, such as causing one who was blind from birth to see— which should be an undeniable sign that the one performing such an event can only do so by and through the power of God. The first recorded miracle of Jesus was to turn a large quantity of water into wine. I, however, have mastered the miracle of turning wine back into water.

Money: Detestable substance that corrupts otherwise good people, who are instructed to rid themselves of this symbol of the earthy, evil nature by placing it in the collection plate.

Mormonism: A religious group that had it’s start with the production of some plates that later turned up missing, but the followers of Mormonism were assured the plates were real to begin with. I want to know what happened to the flatware.

Mormons suffered persecution at the hands of others who did not have china from heaven, so they relocated as a group to Utah. The group grew rapidly due to the habit of allowing a man to have several wives. One wonders why the Catholic church hasn’t caught on to this method of increasing numbers.

Mote: Speck of dust or other foreign matter found in one’s eye, usually by another who has a greater eye problem.

Music: In scripture, songs sung and performed as a part of worship. Although instruments were used commonly for this purpose in the Old Testament, some modern churches frown on their use, as they apparently can all too easily drown out the cacophonous noise of those people who are trying to sing.

Nazarite: An Old Testament long haired hippie weirdo freak who, as a part of a vow, refrained from cutting his hair— the most famous being Samson, who was a performer in the temple of Dagon, where he brought the house down.

Nehemiah: Short prophet of ancient Israel.

Neighbor: Annoying pest who lives next door, who we are supposed to love as ourselves.

Nile: Main river which flows through the heart of Egypt, where women of ancient Israel that had given birth to sons would place their newborns in small reed baskets and float them down the Nile in the hopes that a well-to-do Egyptian might find them and adopt them before the reed boat sank, was found by a crocodile, or was carried out to sea.
Papal Bull: Edict issued by a pope used to gore opposition.

Party: A gathering, usually in celebration of some event, where the participants are expected to overeat and over-drink and otherwise have a good time, followed by condemnation from others.

Patience: Abstract term regarding one’s ability to take things in stride, not being overly concerned when things go wrong. This condition can be easily confused in someone who has undergone a frontal lobotomy.

Pentateuch: 1 First five books of the Old Testament. 2 Hat with five corners.

Pharaoh: A king of Egypt. During the time of Israel’s sojourn in Egypt, a Pharaoh arose that burdened the Children of Israel, not unlike the later leaders of Israel called Pharisees, and today’s leaders known as politicians.

Phylacteries: Amulets worn for protection by Jews. Some Jews believe the practice to be superstitious (Anti-phylactists) as opposed to those Jews that believe it is but a show of their religious convictions (Pro-phylactists) and that their use does indeed provide some degree of protection.

Pig: The most maligned of the class of unclean animals. Scientists claim that the pig’s physiology is remarkably similar to our own.

Polemics: The art and craft of arguing over doctrinal issues, where the individual in the majority holds as his trump card the ability to declare his theological opponent anathema and heretic should his polemic suffer defeat.

Polygamy: The practice of having more than one wife. This practice faded away given the understanding imparted in the New Testament that “no man can serve two masters” as aptly pointed out by Samuel Clemens.

Pope: Head Catholic, and by extension having unquestioned authority regarding ecclesiastical matters, such as birth control.

Prophet: One who speaks prophetically. This can include preaching or speaking concerning spiritual or religious matters. Most modern day prophets insist on speaking profitably.

Protestant: A non-Catholic, worthy of eternal damnation.

Pseudepigrapha: A collection of Jewish writings determined to be unclean.

Purgatory: Place “in limbo” between heaven and hell where some Catholics go, as no other Christian churches seem to have an equivalent.

Raca: Term used by Jesus to explain that one who would use such a term is in spiritual danger of “the council”, while one who utters, “you fool” is in danger of hell fire. Needless to say, rarely do you hear anyone call another Raca.

Rapture: The belief that, at the time of the return of Jesus Christ, those Christians alive at that time would be raised up into the air and go off to heaven and forever be with the Lord. Some bright individual one day realized that this would not do, as Jesus was coming back to the earth, and this scenario created a dichotomy with Jesus on the earth and the Christians in heaven sans the Lord. The belief was therefore modified so that Jesus will come twice, stopping in the air the first time and escorting the Christians to heaven, where he then turns around and comes right back to the earth in order to fulfill the prophesies of returning. None of the proponents of this belief has yet realized the dichotomy still exists.

Sacraments: Also known in some churches as Mysteries. Religious rites that were enjoined on the membership by Jesus or later by a church. The ritual of the Eucharist, with the bread and wine representing the body and blood, is an example of a Sacrament. That some churches refer to these as Mysteries demonstrates they weren’t paying attention to the scriptures that explained them.

Sermon: Religion’s answer to Nyquil. A sermon’s intent is to give a message that is related to the gospel as commanded by Christ to be preached. Once in a great while this happens in some small way. There has been much debate among Christian leaders as to what the gospel is. All agree however that the gospel cannot be preached without proper funding.

Temptation: A desire, usually sinful, usually submitted to.

Unknown God: The God people refuse to know.

Vow: A promise made to oneself to live by some restriction or standard. As an example, some take a vow of silence where they have determined never to speak. Others have taken a vow of poverty. Many religious leaders today have taken a vow of prosperity. Upon examination of those that have taken a vow of poverty, I should be so impoverished.


It is important that you understand; Everything on this blog is based on the current understanding of each author. Never take anyone's word for it, always prove it for yourself, it is your responsibility. You cannot ride someone else's coattail into the Kingdom.

Acts 17:11


No comments: