I pushed the Jesus button, nothing happened

I was reading Russell Millers post for today (4-19-09) Why I'm so hard on Christians, all I can say is wow, but I relate to what he says. I too tried to attend churches many times, and failed. It made me think of my own story, and it's conclusion.

I didn’t finish seventh grade because there was to be a parade that the school band was to play in, and seeing that it was on a Saturday, I couldn’t go. The band instructor was kind enough to announce in class that a few Seventh day Adventists were allowed to come, he pointed out me and my brother and said, “well I guess if your church wont let you come, far be it from me to fight God.” This of course resulted in getting ambushed after school over the next week or so with the finale being my brother attacking one of the animals that was trying to kick me in the kidneys.

My brother was that way, pent up rage burst out, but the guy was too big and threw him to the ground and had a thumb in each eye apparently trying to poke them out. I snapped at that point and kicked him in the ribs, and in the flurry, that guy disappeared and this 9th grader was all over me, my shirt was soaked in blood, and tears were streaming down my face, some girl was laughing and handed me a tissue, then we were at it again, all in slow mo, until In the process of falling backwards, a lucky kick under the chin knocked him out, and I landed on him with both knees. One of his buddies began wailing on me screaming, “you don’t hit them when their down.” Fortunately an adult showed up at that point.

I got kicked out of school the next year when I was 13, for “behavior problems” that in actual fact was me trying to mask my descent into nervous break down. Hostility could keep me from disintegrating, and yeah, I got into some running battles with some freaks that my pride wouldn’t let me back down to. These were some jocks that literally got rid of the English teacher by coordinated foot stomping on queue from the ringleader who was a jock, and therefore an untouchable, who was not disciplined period. I, however, was expelled for returning a punch to the face of one who had attacked me in the classroom, and as the final straw, disrespect to the librarian, who had said something rude, and judgmental to me. I liked the English teacher because she had read one of my compositions to the class, and praised it as excellent, a rare taste of approval. The juvenile mafia didn’t like this, which was a root of the developing conflict.

After I was expelled I never went back to school. My nerves were fried. I just wondered around, and prayed for help. No help was forthcoming. I survived, my mother became afraid of me and never again laid a hand on me, even though I was programmed to where if she had told me to kill some one, I might very well have done it, since in my mind, she was part of the chain of command from God on down. She had me do some sick things that violated scripture, but in my mind, a command over rides principle.

I survived, educated myself as best I could. My bible studies began to cause me to see contradictions in what I had been taught, particularly starting with church authority. The local minister was a tyrant, who was both demeaning and a taskmaster who assigned fasting and set hours of knee time with regular written reports to be turned in. Every church member became his spy, and I frequently had to park my old van many blocks from the people’s place who let me sleep in their garage to prevent the minister from finding out.

After I left WCG around 1990, I was cut off from every one I knew, since WCGers were the only people in my world; even though to them, I was a pariah, actually called me to my face, “the church outcast.” I had no way of getting a job, and no where to go. I had met the black sheep brother of a social misfit bachelor church member. He took pity on me and invited me to come over to his place in the country and stay in an old trailer parked there. This guy was a rude crude outlaw; a wonderfully kind man who grew marijuana, cussed like a sailor, said every thing that was on his mind with unabashed bluntness, and seemed to support a host of people, gave dope to cancer patients, and even kept his mother happily stoned while she was dying with what his mother only knew as “sleepy time tea.” This mans kindness far exceeded any kindness ever shown to me by one bearing the name of Jesus. I wanted to do something for him in return, so I began watering his babies, and essentially was doing this for four years while I rethought everything.

To make a long story short, I watched preachers on TV, and heard the message that Jesus will come and do all these wonderful things which never materialized regardless of my diligence. After this four year period, which was full of sometimes terrifying events impertinent to the point, after a little police intervention, I again found myself with nowhere to go, and alone, and wondering where was God. And why did my life have to be like this. It’s hard for some one with a chronic anxiety disorder to function in any normal capacity.

I had done enormous amounts of reading, and had followed many paths, but the only solid thing I could find was the prophecies that were accurate, so I returned to excepting scripture as true, but the disconnection between what the preachers said and reality was beyond being rationalized; so I dumped any further expectations from Christians, and looked to see if their message was some how a misrepresentation. I’m going to tell about my answer, which I’ll not represent as ‘the‘ answer, but an answer none the less. I read Jacobs words as anomalous to the candy coated come-ons I was being fed.

Gen 47:9 “And Jacob said unto Pharaoh, The days of the years of my pilgrimage are an hundred and thirty years: few and evil have the days of the years of my life been,”

If God left Jacob in his troubles, how can Christian preachers tell every one that all you need to do is follow some little formula and be freed of the world’s sorrows? Jesus said in parables that bad things would happen, and he wasn’t going to stop them.

Jesus is speaking of himself in this parable, and of the fact that he was going to leave here, but while he is gone… Mat 24:48 “But suppose that servant is wicked and says to himself, 'My master is staying away a long time,’ Mat 24:49 and he then begins to beat his fellow servants and to eat and drink with drunkards. Mat 24:50 The master of that servant will come on a day when he does not expect him and at an hour he is not aware of. Mat 24:51 He will cut him to pieces and assign him a place with the hypocrites, where there will be weeping and gnashing of teeth.

Here again Jesus portrays the scenario of his going away during which things happen according to the will of men… Luk 19:12 "There was once a man of high rank who was going to a country far away to be made king, after which he planned to come back home.” In between verses men invest talents without interference. Luk 19:15 “He was made king, however, and returned home.”

Here Jesus tells his disciples that they may well be poor, hungry, hated, excluded and insulted, and with reason to shed tears, It all sounds quite familiar to me.
Luk 6:20 Looking at his disciples, he said: "Blessed are you who are poor, for yours is the kingdom of God.
Luk 6:21 Blessed are you who hunger now, for you will be satisfied. Blessed are you who weep now, for you will laugh.
Luk 6:22 Blessed are you when men hate you, when they exclude you and insult you and reject your name as evil, because of the Son of Man.
Luk 6:23 Rejoice in that day and leap for joy, because great is your reward in heaven. For that is how their fathers treated the prophets.
Luk 6:24 But woe to you who are rich, for you have already received your comfort.

Here, as I see it, Jesus is speaking of himself : Mar 12:1 “He then began to speak to them in parables: "A man planted a vineyard. He put a wall around it, dug a pit for the winepress and built a watchtower. Then he rented the vineyard to some farmers and went away on a journey.”

Now while Jesus is away, In between Jesus going and coming, I will insert something written about Israel, but that illustrates Gods attitude, and also speaks to the fact that evil will be allowed during this time where God essentially steps aside while the evil men do reaches it’s full measure… Eze 34:18 Is it not enough for you to feed on the good pasture? Must you also trample the rest of your pasture with your feet? Is it not enough for you to drink clear water? Must you also muddy the rest with your feet?
Eze 34:19 Must my flock feed on what you have trampled and drink what you have muddied with your feet?
Eze 34:20 'Therefore this is what the Sovereign LORD says to them: See, I myself will judge between the fat sheep and the lean sheep.
Eze 34:21 Because you shove with flank and shoulder, butting all the weak sheep with your horns until you have driven them away,
Eze 34:22 I will save my flock, and they will no longer be plundered. I will judge between one sheep and another.

Mar 12:7 But the tenants said to one another, 'This is the heir. Come, let's kill him, and the inheritance will be ours.'
Mar 12:8 So they took him and killed him, and threw him out of the vineyard.
Mar 12:9 What then will the owner of the vineyard do? He will come and kill those tenants and give the vineyard to others.

There is more, but I’ll leave it here for now. Bob Marley when asked about how he handled poverty said that it all depends on your expectations, when I quit expecting what the preachers were saying, I quit feeling like some thing was extraordinarily bad about me, and that I was being personally rejected. I see enormous deception going on with a motive to gain a following, and offering money from churches at large; but out of all of them, I expect there are some individuals who are genuine; but as for me, I have no desire for organized religion, and I can see why Jesus hung out with the prostitutes and the tax collectors.

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It is important that you understand; Everything on this blog is based on the current understanding of each author. Never take anyone's word for it, always prove it for yourself, it is your responsibility. You cannot ride someone else's coattail into the Kingdom.

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