I'm not a Christian because(An open letter to Russell)

Personally, I’m, not a Christian because I have seen wonderful examples of goodness from Christians. The only one I ever knew was my dad who I treated with utter contempt for his trouble of trying to alert me to the nature of the beast holding me captive. I wish a “Bill” to have penetrated my force field of memorized Armstrongisms to cast some light through my paranoid defensiveness. Because my dad was the “devil” I drove him away. Yes, even a 9 year old can be a dyed in the wool Armstrongite.

I grew up in the WCG, and ended up completely non functional. I mean, like needing to be locked up in a mental hospital non functional; both suicidal and with an anxiety disorder that remains and requires constant meds to ameliorate. I was unemployable since I could never know when my nerves were going to send my brain buzzing, jamming up and shutting me down.
Years ago, in church, my left leg would quit working, and I’d have to drag it with my hand to get across the floor. I can’t remember a single attempt by a single WCGer to find out why I was the way I was. They would have opened quite a can of worms of years of extreme child abuse. I only received ostracism.

I’m not a Christian because I expect to find goodness in Christians, but rather that I find no real goodness in myself, therefore I find a need to be re-created. I really don’t care to convert anybody, but I do aspire to return good for all the evil I have endured, but the ability doesn’t exist. There were years of just wondering around the gray dreary streets of an impersonal ugly city in utter despair, with no friends, money, or way to escape; couldn’t think, couldn’t remember, no energy, just a black pit with no light. My anger has been more like an endless wave of rage that I can’t cure.

Only because of prophecy and painstaking research for verification, do I believe, and have some hope. I have tested with pessimism in the attempt to filter out the results of wishful thinking, because yes, it is good to be able to believe a wasted life can be salvaged; that “life is a bitch, and then you die,” isn’t the only reality as I had concluded, and there after saw no point in continuing. I’d rather face the truth than delude myself, although deluded is exactly how I’m regarded by my own brother who has lacked for nothing, but seems more vehement than I because of his suffering. Without this hope, I would have none at all, and no hope for the cure for the rage that has possessed me. I’m thankful that it’s not like it was, but I’ve got a long way to go.

I’m not Christian because I see myself as good; it’s because I see that I am not; for all the abuse I’ve endured resulted in hatred. My mettle has been tested, and it was insufficient. I seek goodness that must be created within me, that I can’t produce no more than I can make a hand or an eye.

I can’t condescend to anyone. I tested many Ideas, philosophies and religions, including the occult. I would like those without hope, to find some; and my experience is that OWCG type cults could lock people into a state of hopelessness; and I wish that some one could have shown me that Armstrongism was a lie, and spared me the mental anguish and carrot and stick parental modal (mostly stick) that instilled in me a view of reality as being tantamount to an ongoing horror picture.

Russell, I wish for you to find peace. What you believe or don’t believe doesn’t cause me to rate you on any scale. I don’t rate high enough to presume to rate any one, although I make an exception for spiritual terrorists. I have no wish to attack anybody. I wish for freedom for those whose minds are in bondage simply as a reaction, to revulsion from my own bondage. You’ve read a few snippets of my story from when Seeker just called me CW (contributing writer) because I said : “I’m nobody, I don’t need a name.”

You were writing about Bill, but we too might strike some one in the same way, so it’s worth addressing. Frankly, if you should disapprove of something I say, and turned loose on me a hurricane of invectives, it wouldn’t bother me much. I’m way beyond that. Friends I have not; not being approved of is quite the norm, so if it makes you feel better to cut loose, feel free.

Russell's post

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It is important that you understand; Everything on this blog is based on the current understanding of each author. Never take anyone's word for it, always prove it for yourself, it is your responsibility. You cannot ride someone else's coattail into the Kingdom.

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