Wednesday, September 9, 2009

I thought I would throw out something in a lighter vein. Following are excerpts taken from a Bible dictionary of sorts I wrote several years ago. If I survive the initial stoning, I might post more of it.

Adam: The first man. Adam was inflicted with a wound in his side for the purpose of acquiring a mate. From that day forward, this wound has been self-inflicted.

Ahab: Wicked king of ancient Israel, said to have gone mad searching for a white whale.

Antichrist: Someone else’s Christ. It is theorized that if the antichrist and Christ were to meet, great destruction would result.

Apocaholic: One addicted to doom and gloom. It can be one either preaching or believing the soon coming total destruction of evil mankind, leaving them and others like them to inherit the earth.

Balaam: A priest of some sort who was hired by the enemies of Israel to curse Israel. Balaam was warned by an ass, and in the end, lost his ass.

Balm: Healing substance made in Gilead that was made popular through aggressive advertizing, including a jingle that has survived to this day in one form or another.

Ben Hur: A prince of Judah who, during the ministry of Jesus, spent his time traveling the Mediterranean by ship. Ben Hur was said to have had a remarkable resemblance to Moses.

Boaz: Old Testament character who, prior to marriage, was known to be Ruthless.

Burnt-Offering: 1 Sacrifice made to God where the offering is burnt up completely on the altar. 2 Dinner cooked by a variety of modern wives.

Canada: Land where God instructed Moses to lead the children of Israel after leaving Egypt. Moses was somewhat hard of hearing, and as a result relocated in Canaan instead. As a result, Yiddish Columbia is today known as British Columbia.

Catechism: The worship of cats.

Cubit: Standard of measurement used in Ancient Israel that was lacking in standardization. The cubit is believed by most to be the length from a man’s elbow to the tip of his fingers. In recent history this method of measurement was replaced by a more precise standard, called the “Foot.”

David (King): King of ancient Israel said to be a man after God’s own heart. King David committed many egregious sins, such as murder and adultery, yet managed to preserve his relationship with God. It’s good to be the king.

Deceived: Condition suffered by others claiming to be Christian who attend churches other than yours. It is utterly impossible for a real Christian to be deceived, despite the warnings in scripture concerning deceptions. “We know we are right and the rest are wrong” is one of the main tenets of Christianity.

Donation: Euphemistic term for money extorted from the membership of a church collective.

Eden: Mankind’s first abode. Adam and Eve ticked off the landlord and were evicted with instructions to never come back. Something to do with stealing fruit from the landlord’s tree.

Eli: Old Testament religious leader and High Priest, who set the stage for modern religious leaders and practice.

Eschatology: The study of the end time and end time events. Eschatology is usually speculative, and viewed in the time frame of those studying the subject for the last two millennia. Some modern views on Eschatology appear to be more closely related to Scatology.

Eve: The first schemer and shopper. In order to acquire a particular fruit, she talked Adam into trying a sample. Men have been tasting things prepared by wives ever since in order to avoid confrontation.

False Witness: A person conjured up by the powers that be in order to discredit a person worthy of condemnation when no credible True Witness can be found.

Gilead: District of Israel known for bomb making, hence the warning in song: There is a bomb in Gilead.

Gluttony: The sin of eating to excess. Gluttony should be a sin on par with drunkenness, where many churches have outlawed the drinking of alcoholic beverages in order to prevent their membership from inadvertently getting drunk. Therefore, using the same logic, eating should not be allowed either, as one might overindulge. This will never happen seeing as it would have to be enacted by well fed ministers.

Graven image: Image or Icon that is anointed with gravy.

Ham: Son of Noah who became unclean.

Harlot: Woman of influence and power.

Heave offering: Offering that is large enough as to require two or more people to cast it upon the altar while reciting the proper liturgy, “Heave ho”; the meaning of which has been lost to antiquity.

Heaven: The realm where God resides and the realm where Christians believe they will reside as the reward, or end result of salvation, where they can indulge in doing the things they could not do on earth in order to assure entrance into heaven. Many Christians believe that they will go to heaven, but none seem to be in any big hurry to get there. When Jesus is seen as returning to the earth, some believe that those Christians who are alive will be changed and go to heaven. Hopefully, they will wave to each other in passing.

Heretic: 1One who’s set of beliefs differ from yours. 2Parasite found on Greek goddesses.

Holy Roller: Quaint term used to describe one who’s religion includes physical manifestations, such as rolling on the floor. In this way the worshiper is able to exercise without having to join a fitness club.

Hypocrisy: The fine art of maintaining a double standard, where one condemns others for conduct they practice themselves.

Inspiration: Claim made by most all religious leaders in order to inspire a following. The proper translation of the word more accurately means “expiration” which is what many of those claiming inspiration should practice.

Jerusalem: City located along the high ridge separating the desert to the east, and the coastal area to the west. The city and surrounding terrain is somewhat inhospitable, similar to the area of Las Vegas, Nevada. Las Vegas legalized gambling in order to draw people. Jerusalem was proclaimed a religious setting for much the same reasoning.

Judah: One of the twelve sons of Israel who had a good sense for business. When the brothers of Joseph conspired to kill him, Judah realized there was no profit in this, and recommended they sell Joseph into slavery instead.

Judas Iscariot: Disciple who betrayed Jesus into the hands of the Jewish religious leaders by way of a kiss. This practice has been borrowed by certain crime families which became known as the kiss of death. In the gay mafia, the kiss of death is followed by dinner and dancing.

Judgement: What every Christian is entitled to practice without restraint— not to be confused with Final Judgement, where those who practiced judgement find themselves condemned for some vague reason.

Last Rites: Ritual performed in the Catholic faith prior to imminent death. If by some miracle the person recovers, Last Rites automatically become Second-to-Last Rites. This possibility has the potential of causing some theological problems which could easily be avoided by the Priest who administers the Last Rites, by giving the suffering individual a slight rap on the head with a blunt object (perhaps a large cross) at the conclusion of Last Rites.

Levi: One of the sons of Jacob who wore the pants in his family.

Lord’s Supper: One of the few Christian rituals in a religion that claims to have replaced rituals with spiritual realities. In this ritual, the membership partake of a small bit of bread representative of the body of Jesus, and a small amount of wine, representative of Jesus’ blood. Some churches teach that these symbols literally become the body and blood of the Christ. (see: Transubstantiation) Much has been written on this subject by unbelievers who have pointed out certain absurdities such as, “If a mouse were to eat a piece of bread now the body of Christ, would the mouse be saved?” The answer is obviously no, as the mouse failed to drink the wine/blood. Another observation is the statement that if one were to poison the bread prior to its being made the body of Christ, would the bread, now the body of Christ, kill the person who ate it? The question is irrelevant, because whether the person lives or dies, at least he is now assured eternal life as long as he gets a sip of the wine/blood before collapsing.

The issue can be easily answered for all parties concerned by simply reading the rest of John the sixth chapter, where Jesus qualifies what he meant earlier in the narrative. This, however, has been too much a bother for Christians throughout the centuries.

It is the opinion of this writer that the Lord’s Supper should be followed by another ritual, to be known as, “The Lord’s Dessert” as the supper isn’t very filling.

Love: Vaguely defined concept in scripture that relates to another's relationship toward you, where you would have them do unto you what you would not necessarily do for them. Scriptures are replete with the concept, which are largely ignored and thought to be of minor importance in the greater scheme of things.


It is important that you understand; Everything on this blog is based on the current understanding of each author. Never take anyone's word for it, always prove it for yourself, it is your responsibility. You cannot ride someone else's coattail into the Kingdom.

Acts 17:11



Seeker Of Truth said...

Very funny Bill. Made me laugh out loud.

jack635 said...

I enjoyed the definition for "Donation". It is written as a joke but it is sadly the truth.