There Is No Spoon

In the early days and weeks after I left the Church of God I attended, I experienced horrifying guilt for having promoted that belief system. It is a monumental collapse of reality when the weight of what you have involved yourself in is shown in the light that is God.  

The friends I made in the church had become like family to me. I had begun speaking about their doctrine openly with my now grown child. He had even contacted a minister in his area at my encouragement, and downloaded every sermon on iTunes at my direction. He was relying on his trust in me, and following my lead. He believed me because I was his Mother.

Upon my exit, I felt an overwrought sense of responsibility for dragging the people I loved into all that.

A friend, who was very insecure about the teachings and shy of committing, would come to me for comfort. I would overload her senses with COG doctrines; not aware what I was really doing. I had become one of the deceivers. When I left, I felt keenly the words of Jesus in Matthew 15:13-14.
Later, this same friend confided that her true motive for coming to Sabbath services was to see me.  

Other women I spoke with shared this in common.
Another friend called me, asking if I was leaving “The Church”. “Yes. I’m leaving," I replied anxiously, "I’m sorry for hiding that, and if that has hurt you. It was the only way I could keep myself safe.”

It seems that without my having any idea of it (I was ever plagued by feelings of inadequacy, always striving to be a good example and someone the people could lean on) the other women felt they wanted to be like me. They felt I was the one they wanted to model themselves after. I thought this was the craziest thing I had ever heard!

I make mention of it to point out a few things: that you can fool yourself and others about who you are quite effectively, and to emphasize just how committed I was to the church transforming me.

When I left, I was petrified that God was going to hold me responsible for what I had done, and those "I had ensnared".  I felt their blood on my hands. So, for a while, I was caught in a cycle of pseudo-penance, trying to atone for what I had done, and working to break the chains that enslaved others in every opportunity I saw.

I lost much sleep talking with Church of God followers, studying, and trying to win arguments with current members. It gave me some small sense of relief to know that at least God saw me trying. He could see my guilt, my regret, because I was now soldiering on for grace in Christ! Yes, God was witnessing my conversion!

Was that really true?

No it wasn’t. 

I used those people to hone my skills in defending the lies and false claims that they believed. I wanted them to come out of it, of course, but there was definitely an element of using them to better my degree of penance. If I could just perfect my reasoning, then I can defend the truth, and God can use me to free them! The very fact that I can argue the truth more effectively is proof of how ashamed I am of what I did, and how God is converting me, in a similar fashion as the Apostle Paul.  (Galatians 1:13-14)

Except that one day I realized that penance was not grace.

Freeing them, no matter how unbearable for me, was not my job (Philippians 1:6)! The only thing I could actually do was to proclaim the truth, express the fruits, be a light, and live in the freedom He died so horrifically to give me.

The best things I can do are step out of the way of God's work, and earnestly contend for the faith once delivered. That is the work being wrought in me; trust, faith, and hope in Him, for Him and in all things.

I realized that I was still performing. Trapped doing works to please God. The same coin, only the other side.

I now focus on my own trust issues with God, and my faith. I pray for the people still in Armstrongism, but leave it in God’s hands. He will always do a much better job than I could anyway.

When I rest in Jesus, I have to be both my weakest and strongest. I have to be brutal in my honesty with Him about who and what I really am, and leave myself vulnerable to Him in a way that perfectly speaks to striving.  In doing so, real change can come about.

It's about Him, not me. His perfection, not my inadequacies. His triumph, not my penance. So then I set down those works, and instead walk toward Him; knowing for the first time, "there is no spoon".

************
It is important that you understand; Everything on this blog is based on the current understanding of each author. Never take anyone's word for it, always prove it for yourself, it is your responsibility. You cannot ride someone else's coattail into the Kingdom. ; ) Acts 17:11
************

The Virtuous Woman

In the time I spent indoctrinated by teachings in the Churches of God, there were plenty of articles and sermons on virtuous biblical women.  The oft quoted Proverbs 31 wife was a thing to be reached, an achievement that was bound to garner you a godly husband (works). In contrast, the atmosphere was of women today having become rebellious, rejecting their God given purpose and divine role. Feminism was called a clever ploy by Satan to attack the family, which was always followed by a stern “tsk-tsk” that it was working. Women had been fooled, much as Eve had in the Garden of Eden. “Feminism” was the lie of carefree lifestyles, having no responsibility to the children, home or husband. It was a license for a woman to be selfish, and without the constraints of male leadership, she was wont to do so (as a child in need of discipline).
They willfully ignore the fact that feminism was born out of a world where women were legally abused and considered chattel. Equality was actually about equality, not misandry. In the Churches of God, it was an evil satanic desire to believe in that. As was continually stressed, this displeased God.

Many a sermon told us how women were more easily deceived than men, like our example Eve. It was Eve who was deceived after all, not Adam. This idea was used as proof of the weak and gullible nature of women. God had intentionally equipped us poorly for managing our lives, and we needed to achieve that Proverbs 31 attitude of submission to our husbands, who would take care of us instead.  The elusively meek, quiet, submissive, ever gentle, always happy, never arguing woman who appreciated that her husband was “over” her.

At the last Feast of Tabernacles I attended, there was a Bible study that first Friday night. The topic was family. That seems harmless and lovely, doesn’t it?
I sat there, listening to the gentle introduction about love, unity and all that warm fuzzy stuff. I felt so wistful for what I had always longed for, and could never seem to have. A sole parent, I left my marriage when my child was a toddler to escape abuse. Though I had no choice under the circumstances, it has been a regret of mine that my child had to miss out. I was nostalgic for something I had never known, the sacred beauty found in that commitment of marriage. In that room full of people, I felt alone and deprived.
That would have been enough right there, but this was just the easy introduction to let down my defenses for the real message.

The sermon moved on to juxtaposing the beauty and perfection of “the good old days” of godly families (back during things like slavery, and open woman abuse), to the debauchery and destruction that is today’s family. The minister spoke of “worldly” families, and how the women’s movement altered the fabric of society, simply because we decided we weren’t satisfied to stay at home (being weak, selfish and child-like). He condemned children raised by their mothers alone, as statistical nightmares of drug addiction, alcoholism and criminal endeavors. Additionally, they were often victims to high rates of self-harm, suicide, and homelessness. Having tied this in with feminism, he had effectively blamed women for destroying their own children.

As I sat in that darkened conference room, I held my breath. I was sobbing on the inside, my ability to hide it precarious. The detail he went into about these horrors was more than my heart could stand. Tears silently rolled down my face, and in shame I tried to feign anything other than wiping away tears. I lowered my head, and hid my face behind my hair. I felt so degraded and worthless in that moment, as every single fear a mother could have became sermon fodder.
...I had cursed my child in raising them alone.

The heaviness in my heart grew great so that I could not speak. I had failed God in such a spectacular way; ruining not only my life, but my innocent child’s. God disapproved of the less than virtuous woman I was. That feeling of God’s rejection was agonizing.

I glanced over at my friend sitting next to me and she too had been hiding her tears. She uttered "I feel so bad, I wish I could have done better with my son."

Worst of all, I was feeling very far from God. I was too ashamed to approach Him in prayer (a stumbling block). This has been an ongoing difficulty with me even after having left that system. Too ashamed to approach God, I feel anger, confusion, and eventually a return to His arms of Grace.

Can they ever know the damage that they do when their sermons are about failure of the self, and not victory in Jesus?

The great thing is that I now know, in the very core of my being, that He can handle my issues. He is bigger than all of them - my life, my weakness, and my lack. God is the one who is faithful, and it is because of this that I remain under His grace. Not my faithfulness, but His! Just like I wouldn't let my child go, He does not let His children go.
I see now that a marriage filled with love and grace is one of the greatest gifts that God has given to us. The beauty of two genuine hearts choosing to love each other with all their human foibles is a greater love, not one based on assimilation and conformity to a set of rules and laws. We cannot truly love if we are living in a false pretense of legalistic performance. We love because He first loved us, and we were sinners!

In the riches of the New Covenant, I have also come to understand just how much more wonderful God thinks of women, regardless of the role they espouse.
Upon the resurrection of Jesus, it was not one but two women (witnesses!) that Jesus chose to appear to first. It was a woman who was given the honor of washing the feet of God prior to His giving life for His beloved children, and a woman that Jesus publicly defended when she had been dragged into His presence, accused of adultery. He spoke to a woman at the well, and not just any woman, but a Samaritan woman! Greatest of all (even though Mary was taboo to speak about) God entered the world through the womb of a woman. Without a woman, we would not have a Savior.
Other important events took place throughout the Bible, such as Rahab the Harlot and Esther the Queen. Clear messages to us on the true value of a woman! It is not in her ability to suitably submit to her husband, or keep her children in line through Sabbath services, or wear the perfect length of hair or dress or skirt. It is not in what she does, but who she is – God’s redeemed daughter.

Can you see the healing that comes when the message is about victory in Jesus, and not failure of the self?

God loves you, women in the Churches of God. Are you weary of conforming to the Churches of God standard of “most approved women”? Never doing quite enough, never deferring well enough, and never appreciating the “man God sent to lead you”. Remember dear woman, that there is only one mediator between us and God, and that is Jesus Christ. There is neither Jew nor Greek, slave nor free, male nor female. We are all one in the Lord. Take comfort that God, who knows the very hairs on your head, also knows the very personality He endowed you with. Let the love of the Holy Spirit lead you in everything. When we let the Holy Spirit lead us through His love, we are exactly what He intends us to be - women! Strong, resilient, faithful, loyal, kind, caring, loving, and the expression of the fruits of the Spirit. We are no longer failures, but victors in Jesus Christ! Let no one deceive you regarding God’s gifts to you (Acts 2:17). You have a mind and heart of great strength, able to contribute your God given intelligence and compassion in ways that should not be silent. Let’s rejoice in the freedom that God has given.

************
It is important that you understand; Everything on this blog is based on the current understanding of each author. Never take anyone's word for it, always prove it for yourself, it is your responsibility. You cannot ride someone else's coattail into the Kingdom. ; ) Acts 17:11
************