Showing posts with label Humor. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Humor. Show all posts

Saturday, October 10, 2009

Bible Dictionary, part II

Mammon: Term that means wealth or profit, with the implication that the zeal of some to achieve wealth can too easily overshadow one’s relationship and duty to God. This then becomes a form of idolatry, where wealth and its unrelenting pursuit becomes an obsession to the point of the individual’s self destruction being the result. Religious leaders are quick to point out this inherent danger, and offer as a solution the person divest themselves of some of their wealth in their direction; but in so doing, they overlook that they too can easily fall prey to this as the pursuit of wealth by a prophet.

Man of Sin: Term used to describe an Antichrist, who will claim to be God, and loosely used in modern times to describe any man who heads a religious organization other than yours.

Manna: Substance collected and eaten by ancient Israel after being expelled from Egypt that was found in the wilderness. Manna tended to spoil quickly in the daytime, and was harvested early in the morning. This would imply it was a mushroom like substance that grew in the dark of night. If this hypothesis is true, then manna probably had some hallucinogenic effect which made the children of Israel see strange things, such as pillars of fire, and could also explain their reluctance to enter into the promised land, where manna was not to be found.

Martyr: A person who speaks or preaches truth, who is killed (or, at the least, vilified) by God-fearing people who are doing God a service.

Midwife: A wife between the first wife (primary wife) and the third wife, known also as the secondary wife. The common use of the term midwife should be proof enough for all to see that men are entitled to have three wives, with two of them working full time and the third to keep house.

Ministry: The elite of a church that exist to guide the lay members into properly providing for their needs. This is accomplished by constantly preaching to the laic the importance of financing the preaching of the gospel coupled with the teaching that if they do not finance the gospel, they will most assuredly find themselves tormented in hell for the rest of eternity for their selfish behavior.

Miracle: An event that defies a logical, physical explanation, such as causing one who was blind from birth to see— which should be an undeniable sign that the one performing such an event can only do so by and through the power of God. The first recorded miracle of Jesus was to turn a large quantity of water into wine. I, however, have mastered the miracle of turning wine back into water.

Money: Detestable substance that corrupts otherwise good people, who are instructed to rid themselves of this symbol of the earthy, evil nature by placing it in the collection plate.

Mormonism: A religious group that had it’s start with the production of some plates that later turned up missing, but the followers of Mormonism were assured the plates were real to begin with. I want to know what happened to the flatware.

Mormons suffered persecution at the hands of others who did not have china from heaven, so they relocated as a group to Utah. The group grew rapidly due to the habit of allowing a man to have several wives. One wonders why the Catholic church hasn’t caught on to this method of increasing numbers.

Mote: Speck of dust or other foreign matter found in one’s eye, usually by another who has a greater eye problem.

Music: In scripture, songs sung and performed as a part of worship. Although instruments were used commonly for this purpose in the Old Testament, some modern churches frown on their use, as they apparently can all too easily drown out the cacophonous noise of those people who are trying to sing.

Nazarite: An Old Testament long haired hippie weirdo freak who, as a part of a vow, refrained from cutting his hair— the most famous being Samson, who was a performer in the temple of Dagon, where he brought the house down.

Nehemiah: Short prophet of ancient Israel.

Neighbor: Annoying pest who lives next door, who we are supposed to love as ourselves.

Nile: Main river which flows through the heart of Egypt, where women of ancient Israel that had given birth to sons would place their newborns in small reed baskets and float them down the Nile in the hopes that a well-to-do Egyptian might find them and adopt them before the reed boat sank, was found by a crocodile, or was carried out to sea.
Papal Bull: Edict issued by a pope used to gore opposition.

Party: A gathering, usually in celebration of some event, where the participants are expected to overeat and over-drink and otherwise have a good time, followed by condemnation from others.

Patience: Abstract term regarding one’s ability to take things in stride, not being overly concerned when things go wrong. This condition can be easily confused in someone who has undergone a frontal lobotomy.

Pentateuch: 1 First five books of the Old Testament. 2 Hat with five corners.

Pharaoh: A king of Egypt. During the time of Israel’s sojourn in Egypt, a Pharaoh arose that burdened the Children of Israel, not unlike the later leaders of Israel called Pharisees, and today’s leaders known as politicians.

Phylacteries: Amulets worn for protection by Jews. Some Jews believe the practice to be superstitious (Anti-phylactists) as opposed to those Jews that believe it is but a show of their religious convictions (Pro-phylactists) and that their use does indeed provide some degree of protection.

Pig: The most maligned of the class of unclean animals. Scientists claim that the pig’s physiology is remarkably similar to our own.

Polemics: The art and craft of arguing over doctrinal issues, where the individual in the majority holds as his trump card the ability to declare his theological opponent anathema and heretic should his polemic suffer defeat.

Polygamy: The practice of having more than one wife. This practice faded away given the understanding imparted in the New Testament that “no man can serve two masters” as aptly pointed out by Samuel Clemens.

Pope: Head Catholic, and by extension having unquestioned authority regarding ecclesiastical matters, such as birth control.

Prophet: One who speaks prophetically. This can include preaching or speaking concerning spiritual or religious matters. Most modern day prophets insist on speaking profitably.

Protestant: A non-Catholic, worthy of eternal damnation.

Pseudepigrapha: A collection of Jewish writings determined to be unclean.

Purgatory: Place “in limbo” between heaven and hell where some Catholics go, as no other Christian churches seem to have an equivalent.

Raca: Term used by Jesus to explain that one who would use such a term is in spiritual danger of “the council”, while one who utters, “you fool” is in danger of hell fire. Needless to say, rarely do you hear anyone call another Raca.

Rapture: The belief that, at the time of the return of Jesus Christ, those Christians alive at that time would be raised up into the air and go off to heaven and forever be with the Lord. Some bright individual one day realized that this would not do, as Jesus was coming back to the earth, and this scenario created a dichotomy with Jesus on the earth and the Christians in heaven sans the Lord. The belief was therefore modified so that Jesus will come twice, stopping in the air the first time and escorting the Christians to heaven, where he then turns around and comes right back to the earth in order to fulfill the prophesies of returning. None of the proponents of this belief has yet realized the dichotomy still exists.

Sacraments: Also known in some churches as Mysteries. Religious rites that were enjoined on the membership by Jesus or later by a church. The ritual of the Eucharist, with the bread and wine representing the body and blood, is an example of a Sacrament. That some churches refer to these as Mysteries demonstrates they weren’t paying attention to the scriptures that explained them.

Sermon: Religion’s answer to Nyquil. A sermon’s intent is to give a message that is related to the gospel as commanded by Christ to be preached. Once in a great while this happens in some small way. There has been much debate among Christian leaders as to what the gospel is. All agree however that the gospel cannot be preached without proper funding.

Temptation: A desire, usually sinful, usually submitted to.

Unknown God: The God people refuse to know.

Vow: A promise made to oneself to live by some restriction or standard. As an example, some take a vow of silence where they have determined never to speak. Others have taken a vow of poverty. Many religious leaders today have taken a vow of prosperity. Upon examination of those that have taken a vow of poverty, I should be so impoverished.


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It is important that you understand; Everything on this blog is based on the current understanding of each author. Never take anyone's word for it, always prove it for yourself, it is your responsibility. You cannot ride someone else's coattail into the Kingdom.

Acts 17:11

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Wednesday, September 9, 2009

Lightening The Mood

I thought I would throw out something in a lighter vein. Following are excerpts taken from a Bible dictionary of sorts I wrote several years ago. If I survive the initial stoning, I might post more of it.

Adam: The first man. Adam was inflicted with a wound in his side for the purpose of acquiring a mate. From that day forward, this wound has been self-inflicted.

Ahab: Wicked king of ancient Israel, said to have gone mad searching for a white whale.

Antichrist: Someone else’s Christ. It is theorized that if the antichrist and Christ were to meet, great destruction would result.

Apocaholic: One addicted to doom and gloom. It can be one either preaching or believing the soon coming total destruction of evil mankind, leaving them and others like them to inherit the earth.

Balaam: A priest of some sort who was hired by the enemies of Israel to curse Israel. Balaam was warned by an ass, and in the end, lost his ass.

Balm: Healing substance made in Gilead that was made popular through aggressive advertizing, including a jingle that has survived to this day in one form or another.

Ben Hur: A prince of Judah who, during the ministry of Jesus, spent his time traveling the Mediterranean by ship. Ben Hur was said to have had a remarkable resemblance to Moses.

Boaz: Old Testament character who, prior to marriage, was known to be Ruthless.

Burnt-Offering: 1 Sacrifice made to God where the offering is burnt up completely on the altar. 2 Dinner cooked by a variety of modern wives.

Canada: Land where God instructed Moses to lead the children of Israel after leaving Egypt. Moses was somewhat hard of hearing, and as a result relocated in Canaan instead. As a result, Yiddish Columbia is today known as British Columbia.

Catechism: The worship of cats.

Cubit: Standard of measurement used in Ancient Israel that was lacking in standardization. The cubit is believed by most to be the length from a man’s elbow to the tip of his fingers. In recent history this method of measurement was replaced by a more precise standard, called the “Foot.”

David (King): King of ancient Israel said to be a man after God’s own heart. King David committed many egregious sins, such as murder and adultery, yet managed to preserve his relationship with God. It’s good to be the king.

Deceived: Condition suffered by others claiming to be Christian who attend churches other than yours. It is utterly impossible for a real Christian to be deceived, despite the warnings in scripture concerning deceptions. “We know we are right and the rest are wrong” is one of the main tenets of Christianity.

Donation: Euphemistic term for money extorted from the membership of a church collective.

Eden: Mankind’s first abode. Adam and Eve ticked off the landlord and were evicted with instructions to never come back. Something to do with stealing fruit from the landlord’s tree.

Eli: Old Testament religious leader and High Priest, who set the stage for modern religious leaders and practice.

Eschatology: The study of the end time and end time events. Eschatology is usually speculative, and viewed in the time frame of those studying the subject for the last two millennia. Some modern views on Eschatology appear to be more closely related to Scatology.

Eve: The first schemer and shopper. In order to acquire a particular fruit, she talked Adam into trying a sample. Men have been tasting things prepared by wives ever since in order to avoid confrontation.

False Witness: A person conjured up by the powers that be in order to discredit a person worthy of condemnation when no credible True Witness can be found.

Gilead: District of Israel known for bomb making, hence the warning in song: There is a bomb in Gilead.

Gluttony: The sin of eating to excess. Gluttony should be a sin on par with drunkenness, where many churches have outlawed the drinking of alcoholic beverages in order to prevent their membership from inadvertently getting drunk. Therefore, using the same logic, eating should not be allowed either, as one might overindulge. This will never happen seeing as it would have to be enacted by well fed ministers.

Graven image: Image or Icon that is anointed with gravy.

Ham: Son of Noah who became unclean.

Harlot: Woman of influence and power.

Heave offering: Offering that is large enough as to require two or more people to cast it upon the altar while reciting the proper liturgy, “Heave ho”; the meaning of which has been lost to antiquity.

Heaven: The realm where God resides and the realm where Christians believe they will reside as the reward, or end result of salvation, where they can indulge in doing the things they could not do on earth in order to assure entrance into heaven. Many Christians believe that they will go to heaven, but none seem to be in any big hurry to get there. When Jesus is seen as returning to the earth, some believe that those Christians who are alive will be changed and go to heaven. Hopefully, they will wave to each other in passing.

Heretic: 1One who’s set of beliefs differ from yours. 2Parasite found on Greek goddesses.

Holy Roller: Quaint term used to describe one who’s religion includes physical manifestations, such as rolling on the floor. In this way the worshiper is able to exercise without having to join a fitness club.

Hypocrisy: The fine art of maintaining a double standard, where one condemns others for conduct they practice themselves.

Inspiration: Claim made by most all religious leaders in order to inspire a following. The proper translation of the word more accurately means “expiration” which is what many of those claiming inspiration should practice.

Jerusalem: City located along the high ridge separating the desert to the east, and the coastal area to the west. The city and surrounding terrain is somewhat inhospitable, similar to the area of Las Vegas, Nevada. Las Vegas legalized gambling in order to draw people. Jerusalem was proclaimed a religious setting for much the same reasoning.

Judah: One of the twelve sons of Israel who had a good sense for business. When the brothers of Joseph conspired to kill him, Judah realized there was no profit in this, and recommended they sell Joseph into slavery instead.

Judas Iscariot: Disciple who betrayed Jesus into the hands of the Jewish religious leaders by way of a kiss. This practice has been borrowed by certain crime families which became known as the kiss of death. In the gay mafia, the kiss of death is followed by dinner and dancing.

Judgement: What every Christian is entitled to practice without restraint— not to be confused with Final Judgement, where those who practiced judgement find themselves condemned for some vague reason.

Last Rites: Ritual performed in the Catholic faith prior to imminent death. If by some miracle the person recovers, Last Rites automatically become Second-to-Last Rites. This possibility has the potential of causing some theological problems which could easily be avoided by the Priest who administers the Last Rites, by giving the suffering individual a slight rap on the head with a blunt object (perhaps a large cross) at the conclusion of Last Rites.

Levi: One of the sons of Jacob who wore the pants in his family.

Lord’s Supper: One of the few Christian rituals in a religion that claims to have replaced rituals with spiritual realities. In this ritual, the membership partake of a small bit of bread representative of the body of Jesus, and a small amount of wine, representative of Jesus’ blood. Some churches teach that these symbols literally become the body and blood of the Christ. (see: Transubstantiation) Much has been written on this subject by unbelievers who have pointed out certain absurdities such as, “If a mouse were to eat a piece of bread now the body of Christ, would the mouse be saved?” The answer is obviously no, as the mouse failed to drink the wine/blood. Another observation is the statement that if one were to poison the bread prior to its being made the body of Christ, would the bread, now the body of Christ, kill the person who ate it? The question is irrelevant, because whether the person lives or dies, at least he is now assured eternal life as long as he gets a sip of the wine/blood before collapsing.

The issue can be easily answered for all parties concerned by simply reading the rest of John the sixth chapter, where Jesus qualifies what he meant earlier in the narrative. This, however, has been too much a bother for Christians throughout the centuries.

It is the opinion of this writer that the Lord’s Supper should be followed by another ritual, to be known as, “The Lord’s Dessert” as the supper isn’t very filling.

Love: Vaguely defined concept in scripture that relates to another's relationship toward you, where you would have them do unto you what you would not necessarily do for them. Scriptures are replete with the concept, which are largely ignored and thought to be of minor importance in the greater scheme of things.






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It is important that you understand; Everything on this blog is based on the current understanding of each author. Never take anyone's word for it, always prove it for yourself, it is your responsibility. You cannot ride someone else's coattail into the Kingdom.

Acts 17:11

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